Modern Avengers
by PearlDahlia
Summary: Maria Hill and Phil Coulson are your typical married couple. Three kids, Thor, Loki, and Darcy, who are always getting into trouble. Maria's brother Steve has been happily married to Tony for five years and have adopted a baby. Bruce, Natasha, and Clint share a home and relationship. Natasha is the voice of reason, Bruce is the wise one, and Clint is the sassy one.
1. Brothers and Sisters

__AN: My first serious fanfic. It's an AU combining Modern Family and The Avengers/Marvel characters. I do not own any of the characters, etc. This was inspired by "So No One Told You" which is on AO3 which is a combo of Avengers and the show Friends. This first chapter is based off of the first pilot episode of Modern Family, but it isn't exact and the future chapters will be a mixture of original plots and some of the most memorable episodes. Pairings are what worked for my purposes and I'm a huge Stony shipper. On that note, please review. I have not yet written the next chapter but I hope to have it up by next week. Enjoy.

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_Maria Hill and Phil Coulson are your typical married couple. Three kids, Thor, Loki, and Darcy, who are always getting into trouble, and their extended family. Maria's brother Steve is happily married to Tony for five years and Phil's brother Clint is in an interesting arrangement with his fellow housemates. Bruce, Natasha, and Clint all live together and are in a relationship. Natasha is the voice of reason. Bruce is the wiser one who is always getting mistaken as their father and Clint is a sassy Latina woman. _

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Maria and Phil are stumbling through their elaborate, yet clumsy routine of trying to get the kids fed and off to school on time. Phil's eyes are glued to his iPhone, his other hand grasping for some sort of food and Maria is shouting for Thor to get downstairs. That boy takes forever to do his hair in the morning!

"Phil please get the kids down here! I'm a little busy right now." She says with a tinge of annoyance.

Maria grabs the milk out of the fridge, leaving the door open, turns around to pour it in her bowl and Darcy swoops in. Plucking a pudding cup off the shelf and shutting the door as she spins off into the family room. Phil calls up to Thor and Loki half heartedly as Maria whips around and slams the milk into the now shut door.

"Might I suggest you open the door before attempting to place the milk back inside?" Thor snorts, scooting over to grab his backpack from the kitchen chair. Loki comes trotting in behind him, eyeing their exasperated mother up and down, before grabbing his things and following his siblings.

"Thank you for your contribution Phil" Maria huffs, cleaning the spilled milk.

"Mhmm no problem sweetie", Phil smiles, eyes still on the phone in his hand.

Welcome to a day in the Coulson household.

Xxxx

Steve cradled their soft new baby in his arms. He had tunnel vision looking at little Peter. The hustle and bustle of passengers finding their seats and stowing their luggage didn't even register to him. It was unfortunate how this precious bundle had ended up in their care, but he was thankful regardless. Tony had gotten a call from an old friend and when they showed up they had a baby thrust into their arms. The family took off. Must have gotten in with the wrong people. Now here they were about to bring a baby home.

"What a well behaved baby." The man at the end of their row said. Tony had gone back for a forgotten blanket, leaving the middle seat vacant. "His mother must be so proud"

Steve's face flushed and he gave the man a curt smile. "Oh she is…" he murmured.

Xxxx

"Natasha party! Yes right this way please" The hostess led the three of them to their table, placing a menu in front of each of them. "and should I be expecting your mother to join you as well?"

"No she's dead thank god" Natasha deadpanned. The hostess left with a horrified look.

"I can't believe you said that to her!" Clint giggled. Bruce looked a bit sullen.

"I can't believe she thought Bruce was our father!" Natasha replied. "There isn't _that_ big of an age difference between us" Bruce didn't seem mollified.

Clint took note of this and tried to lighten the mood. "I bet she was just trying to see if Bruce was single" He added an eyebrow wiggle and watched as a small smile spread on Bruce's face.

Xxxx

Steve broke his stare away from Peter, as he noticed Tony coming down the aisle with an arm full of supplies and the cashmere blanket they almost left behind.

"Aww look at the little angel" Tony cooed, while trying to stuff as much as he could into the overhead bin. Realization dawned on the man in their row and a disapproving look came over his face. Tony saw this as he squeezed past his husband and took his seat, giving the stranger an emotionless stare from behind his sunglasses. He maintained the shade to eye contact until he fastened his seatbelt. Steve glanced at the two with a worried expression.

"Tony could you take him for a minute, I need to put on my seat belt." Steve offered him a distraction. Tony was known for speaking his mind and usually causing a scene while doing it. This immediately got the brunettes attention. Tony eagerly took Peter into his arms and nuzzled the baby, making silly faces.

The click of Steve's seat belt was almost enough to mask the sound of the muffled sound of disgust from the man across the way, _almost._ Steve supposed he should be thankful everyone was strapped in and that it wasn't the man Tony was sitting next to, because it greatly lowered the chances of him getting physical with someone.

Tony's head snapped up. "Oh I'm sorry! Maybe we should have left the baby where we got it. THE GUTTER." His burning gaze moved from the seat back in front of him to the source of the sound. A man who was just trying to clean someone's gum off of his shoe and looking very taken aback by Tony's outburst. Steve just sighed and ducked his head while Tony let out a soft "oh…"

Xxxx

The kids rushed past Maria and up the stairs, but Thor stayed behind.

"Mom I'm having a friend over later ok?" Great another teenage boy to create a mess for her to clean up.

"Ok honey, do I know him?" She leaned over to pick up the lunch boxes that had been scattered at her feet.

"Uh no… her name is Jane…she goes to my school and like way smart so please try not to embarrass me!" Thor started to make his way up the stairs again. Maria stared after him, a bit shocked. He had never had a girl over before.

"Alright don't worry don't worry I was young once! I get it." He just rolled his eyes and made a pained look, before disappearing into his room.

Maria carried the lunchboxes into the kitchen and began emptying the contents, sorting what could and could not be saved. "Honey I'm home!" She heard her husband shout from the front hall. Finishing lunchbox cleanup, she turned to see Phil coming at her with a very large gun.

"Look what I got! I'm going to rock their socks off at the paintball match this weekend!" Phil was beaming and attempting to explain all of the special qualities of this particular paintball gun. Maria was daydreaming, about the paintball gun becoming some sort of magical cleaning gun she could use to clean the house faster, when Darcy came trudging down the stairs and into the living area.

"Dad do I really have to do this? What if you miss and hit me? This isn't exactly something I find enjoyable, unlike _you_." She flounced her dark hair in a huffy manor. She knew this was punishment for filling Loki's room with butterflies last Wednesday. They really hadn't been that hard for her to get her hands on. She had used her gift card. It was amazing what you could buy on there. Loki was less than thrilled at the colorful fluttering wings brightening up his dreary room. Party pooper.

"Come on Darce, it could be worse. Plus my aim is great and this thing has the latest stabilizing technology!" He looped a free arm around her and steered her out the back door. Maria heard the doorbell ring and realized it must be Jane. She hurried to the front door, ignoring Thor's plea from upstairs that he would get it.

She opened the door to find a rather simple looking, pretty, girl with big brown eyes and light brown hair. She beckoned the girl inside. "You must be Jane!"

"Hi Mrs. Coulson. What a lovely house you have, thank you for having me over." Jane beamed as Thor frantically raced down the stairs to prevent his mom from doing any further damage.

Thor tried to lead Jane up the stairs to his room, but Maria interjected.

"So Jane what year are you in high school again?"

"I'm a senior oh and you have some _Fuligo septica_ by your tulips you may want to take care of that before it gets any worse." She smiled down at Maria, before being whisked up the remaining stairs and into the abyss that was Thor's room. A dark head popped out from a door plastered with angsty bumper stickers, "was that a girl?" Loki mouthed. His mother just widened her eyes and gave him a disbelieving nod.

Xxxx

Tony and Steve were so happy to finally be off that plane and home sweet home.

"I can't wait to see how the room turned out!" Tony scooted past his husband and into the house, toting various diaper bags. "We were so lucky Pepper was free this weekend and on such short notice. Wait til you see the mural."

"Mural?" Steve already had a bad feeling about this. Pepper was known for his flamboyant style and eccentric taste. They hadn't known they would be bringing a baby back with them, so Tony had called as soon as they received Peter and had Pepper set up the spare room. They walked into the room and Steve was pleasantly surprised. The walls were a nice ivory with a red border. The whole room was a red, white, and blue scheme.

"Oh gosh…" Steve had turned around to see what Tony was starting at. There were two pirates painted on the wall with an uncanny resemblance to Tony and himself. "No. That has to go." He gave Tony a serious look.

"Too much?" Tony said with a sly smile.

"Yes. Call Pepper. I want it gone by the end of the week. Put all of that down and let's feed Peter, it's almost lunch time." Steve gently bounced the little one into the kitchen. Peter watched everything Steve did with his big, blue baby eyes.

"Have you given any thought to how you want to tell your family about our bundle of joy?" Tony was preparing the baby formula over by the sink. Steve tensed and hugged Peter closer.

"I don't know Tony, we just got him. I've barely had time to think about anything. You know how my family is..." Steve sighs, "We didn't exactly plan this and what if it doesn't work out? I just need a day or two to settle on a way to tell them. They are going to expect us to have a plan. Having a baby isn't just something you play by ear." Tony had been nodding reassuringly while Steve confessed his troubles. He reached for baby Peter.

"Here Steve, let me handle this. You go take a moment, sit down, and think about how you want to do this." Steve handed the baby over and smiled lovingly. Sometimes Tony could be really sweet and considerate. He turned and was walking into the living room when Tony added, "because I invited them over for dinner tonight, so you have three hours!" Steve groaned and threw himself onto a couch.

Xxxx

Bruce shuffled along behind Natasha and Clint. "I do not need a makeover!" He protested.

"Yeah you do _dad_" Clint snickered. Natasha jabbed him in the ribs.

"Bruce it isn't so much of a makeover as an update" She offered. They walked past a man waving pamphlets around.

"Sir are you taking advantage of all the benefits of being a senior citizen? See the secret the government doesn't want you to know!" He slapped the paper into Bruce's hands. Bruce ripped it in half, the remains falling on the ground, as he headed into the nearest clothing store.

Clint hopped in behind him picking up various clothing articles for Bruce to try on, most of them being utterly ridiculous and outlandish. Natasha trailed behind them, selecting more tasteful pieces. Eventually, they caught up to Bruce and threw him and their selections into a dressing room. He put on a show for them and settled on about seven new pieces. Bruce left with a smile on his face and a new found confidence. That made it all worth it.

"I think I'll wear the purple one to your brother's dinner. What is this dinner even for? Weren't they flying in from New York today?" The _slightly_ older man walked along side his companions.

Clint cocked his head. "Who knows with Steve and Tony. Maybe they found a lizard monster and they want to have a ceremony for it or some crap."

Natasha looked less than pleased at Clint's explanation. She just shook her head, red hair swaying around her face. "Well whatever it is, we will find out soon enough."

Xxxx

Loki swaggered into the kitchen, busying himself with something on the counter.

"So mom, what do you think of Jane?" He smirked to himself. His mother was busy chopping carrots for dinner.

"She is cute and smart." She pondered to herself and then stole a look towards her youngest son. "Maybe some of that will rub off on your brother!" They laughed for a bit before Loki piped up again.

"Yea they seemed to be having a good time from what I heard, but the door was closed so I couldn't_ really_ tell." Loki said it as innocently as possible. His mother grabbed some laundry and took the stairs two at a time.

Thor and Jane were watching a YouTube video of a cat chasing a laser pointer when Maria burst through the door, a smile plastered to her face. Her smile changed to a more relieved look as she set the clean clothes down on a chair. "Oh hey guys, just dropping off some laundry, I'll be leaving now!" Maria left the door open as she started out into the hallway.

"Mom can you shut the door?" Thor was using his annoyed voice.

"No honey, I think we're going to leave it open okay?" She used her sweetest _"don't mess with me"_ tone.

"No. Not okay. Just shut the door please. Can't I get some privacy?" He sighed and glanced nervously at Jane, who appeared pretty unfazed.

"No because sometimes things that happen in privacy lead to you dancing topless on the bar!" Maria blurted, face turning red when she realized her indirect confession. There was a lot less to do for fun back then, don't judge.

Xxxx

"Darce, just hold still and keep the shield over your face just in case. But don't worry I told you it has this great new stabilizing technology!" Phil had the paintball gun aimed at his daughter. Right as he was pulling the trigger, Thor came barging out onto the back porch, throwing Phil off and causing him to splattering Darcy's legs with paint.

"Dad! Mom's totally embarrassing me!" Except his cries were a bit strangled when his dad turned to face him, still pulling the trigger and pelting his son with paint rounds. Maria and Jane came rushing through the door just seconds after.

"PHIL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Maria rushed over to where Thor and Darcy were huddled together in pain. Loki poked his head outside, a cup of tea wrapped in his hands, turned around and went back inside.

"Dad shot us!" Darcy was still a bit shocked and Thor was complaining about his new clothes and making sure his hair wasn't ruined. Phil and Jane exchanged blank stares.

Xxxx

"Tony just please don't go overboard on this! I'll just sit them down and tell them. Just give me like five minutes to let them know before you bring Peter in, okay?" How could Tony say no to those azure eyes? Then again, saying no and actually not doing it are two totally separate things. Tony nodded in some form of agreement.

The doorbell rang. Tony vanished into Peter's room. Steve made his way to the door, composed himself, and opened it. Bruce, Clint, and Natasha were warmly welcomed into the home. Natasha set Clint's homemade salsa dip on the side table.

"It's so great to see you guys! I feel like it's been months" Steve clapped Bruce on the back and steered them toward the couch.

"It might not be so great, Phil and the rest of the crazies are right behind us." Clint rolled his eyes toward the door and flopped down next to his roommates.

Sure enough the Coulson family came busting through the door. Loki was trying to get his book back from Darcy, Thor flipped his hair and limped through the door behind them, followed by Maria and Phil who looked more put together than usual. Maria and Steve exchanged teasing smiles as she handed him the cake she made.

"So Phil shot the kids earlier today, how was your trip?" Maria asked her brother, kissing him on the cheek.

"Well why don't you all take a seat and I'll tell you. Darcy please stop tormenting your brother, he is strange enough already." Steve stuck out his tongue at Loki who just made a face back at him.

He took a deep breath as they settled into their seats. "Okay so Tony and I have been together for some time now and we have started talking about adopting a child." Steve paused to see their reactions.

"I will not be babysitting." Natasha had her don't mess with me face on.

"Oh yes we will!" Clint had a mischievous gleam in his eye. The two began arguing in whispers before Natasha got very quiet and just gave Clint a look that seemed to say _I will kill you and no one will ever find your body_. Clint got pretty quiet after that.

"Anyway…so…um.. well…" Steve was stumbling with his words. Unsure of how to announce their new family member to them. Turned out he didn't have to because suddenly The Circle of Life, from The Lion King, began playing through the speaker system. Tony came busting into the living room, Peter hoisted high in his arms, like he was Simba. The room gasped and, after a moment of shock, they started fussing over the baby in Tony's arms.

"So I would like you to meet Peter…" Steve said to absolutely no one.


	2. My Pride and Joy

**AN: Sorry this took so long I had major writers block with this... hopefully that will go away and I can move on with this story :) Thanks for all the great comments and reviews! I am so happy you enjoy it ~Pearl**

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"Okay! I need this place vacuumed, Swiffered, and dusted. Who is doing what?" Maria finished drying the dish in her hand and gave her children the mom look.

Loki immediately jumped up. "Swiffer! I am Swiffering!"

"Then I am vacuuming!" Darcy stuck her tongue out at her eldest brother.

Thor grabbed the duster and trudged behind them. Darcy cleared an area and Loki followed behind her proficiently Swiffering the floor.

"How we all enjoy letting loose with a little, la la da dum dum!" Thor started to sing a song that had become a tradition.

"While we're emptying the vacu um!" Darcy chimed in.

"It's such fun to sing! A HAPPY WORKING SONG." Loki shouted the last part. His siblings stopped what they were doing and threw uneasy glances at the middle child.

"You are so strange…" Darcy murmured. All that could be heard was the hiss of the Swiffer WetJet.

Xxxx

"Tony! What is Peter wearing?" Steve held the baby at arm's length, trying to make sense of the costume. "I know it's Easter, but really?" He carried Peter back into his room to dress him in a proper outfit.

"What!?" Tony called from his office, "I thought it would be cute! That way, if he starts crying during dinner it isn't _so_ bad."

"It is still bad Tony but nothing is worse than this outfit…" Steve sighed. Where did he find these things? He blushed at the thought of where Tony usually got costumes. He changed Peter into a green onesie. Tony came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Steve's waist. His beard scratched gently at Steve's neck. They stayed there for a good ten minutes, just watching their new son. Two weeks felt like two days since they had gotten him. Time just flies by when babies are crying and pooping. Tony scooped Peter up and Steve wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders. Thirty minutes of playing with Peter went by, before they realized they had to leave.

Xxxx

_Thunk!_

Natasha's eyes fluttered open. Something kept hitting her in the head, plastic eggs that were being pelted from the crack in the door. They were scattered around her floor. She had to carefully make her way out of her room. She was going to kill whoever was doing this and her money was on Clint. She followed the trail of eggs out of her room and towards their family room. Sounds of protest were coming from Bruce's room. It was never good when he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. What was Clint doing? She rounded the corner just as Bruce appeared in the doorway opposite her. Clint was hopping around the middle of the room in a Playboy bunny costume.

"Let's jiggle some eggs bitches!" He started shaking candy filled eggs like maracas.

Xxxx

"Mom! Mom! We finished cleaning can we decorate eggs now?!" Darcy begged, rushing into the kitchen with her brothers in tow.

Maria laughed. "I am still surprised that you haven't outgrown the whole Easter thing." Loki shot her an incredulous look. He took a seat next to his sister, clutching a green egg. Thor was creating a felt cape for his red egg and Darcy was drawing dots and lines on her golden egg.

"Done!" Loki exclaimed.

"That was fast." Thor said and leaned across the table to see his brother's creation. Loki turned his egg their way. He had drawn a single mustache on the egg.

"This is Wendy!" He beamed.

"You named the egg Wendy…?" Darcy was giving him an exasperated look.

Loki looked offended. His hands wrapped around the egg protectively. "No THIS is Wendy." He was pointing to the egg's mustache. His brother shared a worried look with his sister. He placed his egg on the display in the center of the table and pranced up to his room. Darcy turned to Thor. "What did you turn your egg into? Same old?" Every year Thor made his egg a cape and claimed it was a super hero.

"But of course! It is tradition, dear sister. What have you created?" Thor was pretending his egg could fly and had it hovering over Darcy's.

"It's a Dalek… you know the whole eggs-terminate thing…" Thor didn't understand the reference.

"You are such a nerd." He set his egg next to Loki's and retired to his room. Darcy pretended to eggs-terminate their eggs and then went up to her room as well. It felt like a good time for plotting.

Xxxx

Natasha could not deny that it had been a rather fun way to be woken up. They were going to have to find a new coffee table though. Apparently it didn't have a very large weight capacity. They all had to shower in a speedy fashion to make themselves presentable for dinner. They were all meeting at The Coulsons' for Easter dinner.

"Clint the ears stay here. No buts about it." She said sternly.

"My butt is all about it!" He wiggled his hips suggestively. Bruce laughed and zipped Natasha's dress.

"I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that when we get home." Bruce winked at Clint who was hopping around the room. Natasha's heels clicked on the wooden floor, grabbing her purse as she made her way to the front door.

"Okay Peter Cotton Tail, how about you hop on out the door."

Xxxx

Everyone was seated around the large dining room table, adults at one end, Peter and the kids at the other, yes that included Clint.

"Thank you so much for having us over. It is always a joy to be in a crowded room with all of you." Tony said in a playful tone. Steve rolled his eyes and fed Peter a spoonful of mushed carrots.

"Oh you are so welcome Tony. We all know that you have nowhere else to be." Maria smiled over the ham.

"So how has everyone's day been?" Phil asked through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

"Relaxing," Steve said, looking down at his new son lovingly. Even Tony smiled in their direction.

"Our morning was-"Clint began, but Natasha cut him off with a murderous look.

"Athletic," She continued. "Clint showed us a new workout routine." Bruce looked down at his plate and no one really wanted to ask questions. It was all clattering utensils on plates for a few minutes before Maria broke the silence.

"The kids really helped out today. They cleaned the whole house!" The kids just grumbled in response.

"Wow there's a concept, cleaning!" Steve turned towards his husband. Tony raised his hands defensively. "Steve I hate cleaning and I still don't understand why we can't just hire a service!"

"Because Tony it really isn't that hard to do!" Steve replied.

Natasha turned to Clint, "Yea Clint always puts up a big fuss when it comes to being his turn to clean."

"It isn't any fun Tasha!"

"You don't have to find it fun! You just have to do it!" She jabbed him in the side with a long pointed finger.

"Hey hey! Dress Clint up as a maid and then it will be fun!" Tony added. Steve gave him a disapproving look. However, Clint got an evil gleam in his eye.

"No Clint. Just no. We can talk about this when we get home." Natasha knew exactly what he was thinking and there was no way he was cleaning in that bunny costume. Peter started giggling, attracting everyone's attention. He was highly entertained by the way Loki and Thor were poking each other across the table.

"Can you believe we've had him two weeks?" Steve's face flushed with pride and Tony smiled at him.

"He looks like he is adjusting well. He's only six months old right?" Bruce asked the happy fathers, who nodded yes in return.

"Little Peter will be talking in no time! Good luck with that, they never really stop." Maria gave knowing looks at her children across the table. Everybody fawned over Peter and eventually went home. The Coulson kids were cleaning up the kitchen, hip bumping each other, and singing their cleaning song. Loki blew some soap suds at his sister. Darcy turned around and sprayed him with water and they burst out laughing. Darcy reached out and gave him a quick hug and a smile, then got back to work before either could feel too awkward.


End file.
